Author Archives: Jo Ann Schneider

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For Funzies

I’ve started on a new project, but I’m not far enough into it to give any details. Just know that it will be awesome!

Until I have further details, I’ll leave you with some of the ridiculous memes the hubby sends me on Facebook. He thinks he’s funny. I let him think that, because it’s easier than shattering his dreams 😉

 


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17-May-2019

All dialogue this week. Just for funzies.

“How long we been here?” she asked.

“I don’t know. Probably a couple of days.”

“Feels lots longer.”

“It does.”

“You know, I tried counting seconds, but got lost somewhere after seven hundred,” she said. “I kept seein’ Danny’s face.”

“You should forget about him.”

“Why? You think they tellin’ the truth? You think Danny was workin’ with them aliens?”

“Maybe.”

“How could you think that?”

“He’s the only person that knew where we hid the children.”

“And you think they got the kids?”

“They got us.”

“We don’t know what got us.”

“Humans don’t normally shove people in the back of a space ship and then turn out all the lights. Not to mention that we lost gravity some time ago.”

“Is that why my hair is wavin’ around like an octopus?”

“And likely why you’ve thrown up twice.”

“Naw, that’s because I’m almost three months pregnant. Sorry about the throw up floating around.”

“You’re pregnant?”

“That’s right. Danny’s the father. We got plans to get married.”

“What about your husband?”

“Him? He’s a worthless git. I started divorce papers last week.”

“A lot of good that’s going to do now.”

“Right? Maybe those aliens got him.”

“I have a feeling they got a lot of people.”

“You mean killed or locked up like us?”

“Probably both.”

“What you think they’re gonna do with us? Dissect us? Study us? Make us their slaves?”

“You watch too much TV.”

“And movies. It’s all in there. If only Danny were an alien, then my baby and I would be safe.”

“Where did you draw that conclusion from?”

“Don’t matter who you are, if the baby is kin then they won’t kill it.”

“You may need to adjust your expectations of this little journey.”

“Why’s that? If they wanted us dead they would have killed us already.”

“You might be right about that.”

“You know I am. I watch all the alien invasion shows.”

“How do you know that Hollywood got it right?”

“Because if anyone on the planet is a bunch of aliens, it’s them idjuts in Hollywood.”

“What about the rednecks from Kentucky?”

“Them? Naw. They’re plain folk with family issues. I get them.”

“I see.”

“You seem pretty smart. If you tell the aliens you’re smart, they might let you be a scientist for them.”

“How gracious of them.”

“Right? Ugh. My hands hurt from being strapped down.”

“Keep moving as much as you can. Keep your muscles going.”

“Good thing they put this catheter thing in, or I would have peed all over by now.”

“We’re very lucky.”

“True that. Oh, I’m getting tired again. I think I’ll sleep.”

“Go ahead. I might join you.”

“How long we been here?” she asked.

 


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Withdrawals from The Academy

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My Fairy Tale Academy series is finally finished!

(Click on the image above to go to the series page on Amazon)

I’ve been working on these books since last November. Besides a couple of romance books under my pen name, it’s all I’ve been working on for the past six months.

This is what I’ve been staring at every day since November. If you look closely, each blue post-it note is one of my Academy stories.

The Phony Prince came out a week ago. I’m about to take the post-it notes down, and I’m not quite sure what to do with myself.

Of course I have lots of ideas, but which one should I work on first?

Science Fiction?

Paranormal Mystery/Action?

Post-Apocalyptic?

More Fairy Tales?

Superhero?

I’m torn. What do you want to read next?

Until I decide, you guys will probably get a bunch of movie reviews, and maybe some random Academy tidbits!

Here’s my Funny Hubby Moment of the Week:

The hubby and I went to the gym the other night. He’s not much of a workout guy, so I was glad he came with me. We got home and  I headed into the living room to stretch.

The hubby began rummaging in the fridge.

I kept stretching and eventually he came and sat the couch with a pudding cup in one hand and a spoon in the other.

Me: You should probably stretch

Hubby: *with a smug expression on his little face* I am stretching. *Goes to take a bite of pudding* I’m stretching my stomach.

 

 


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10-May-2019

What happens when you get bored?

“I’m bored!”

The childish whine of the words pulled me from my sleep into the realm of somewhat awake. I brushed the cobwebs from my mind and opened one eye. A single prick of light shone from a corner of my realm.

“Me too!”

“Shush, you two. I told you not to say that.”

There were two of them? I blinked a few times and the glowing dot resolved into two glowing dots.

“But it’s true!” the first voice wailed.

“I’m so bored I could die!” How children could put that much fake anguish into a single sentence still baffled me.

Both pricks of light grew brighter. I shifted a little so I could see them better.

“Todd!” The mother’s voice cut through the darkness surrounding me like a talon slicing through tender flesh. Even I flinched, and it had been eons since I’d had a mother. “Don’t you ever say that.”

The icy tone of the woman quieted the complainers, and the two lights grew faint.

I eyed them. I could still get to the children, but it had only been a week in the mortal realm since I’d eaten, and this was the bellyachers’ first offense. Each child had a distinct voice, and an even more distinct whine. If I heard a kid more than twice, they were mine.

The two little darlings continued to fade, and I put my massive head back on my paws. Just before I closed my eyes, one of the dots flared white hot. It didn’t matter that the little urchin whispered. I heard everything.

“I’m still bored.”

I coined the first little brat Conner.

“Me too.”

The second dot grew a little lighter. I called her Betty.

“And I don’t believe in the Savage,” Conner said. “Do you?”

Betty hesitated. “I…I don’t know. I mean Stewart disappeared a few months ago. Right from his bedroom. I heard my dad talking to my mom and he said there was blood everywhere.” The confident tone in her voice from a few moments before waivered. I could feel her fear.

A cruel grin pulled my lips apart, and air licked my gums. There had been a lot of blood.

“It’s just the adults trying to make us be good and not say we’re bored,” Conner said with a snort.

The deal the parents had made with me had been simple: I let them live under my protection, but if I heard a child whine that they were bored more than twice, I got the kid. Considering the chaos in the outside world, it seemed a small price to pay.

However, these parents weren’t very good at keeping their children in line.

I stood on four legs and shook my long, sleek body.

“Don’t say that word,” Betty said.

Smart girl.

“What, you think a word can bring a monster?”

Betty didn’t answer.

“I’m bored.” Conner said. “Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored.”

I could practically see him dancing around as he said it.

“Come on, let’s go play,” Betty said. Fear dripped from her words.

“But I don’t want to play any of the games we have, they’re boring.” Conner sang the last word.

Conner’s light now shot through my realm and bore into my eye.

I didn’t usually attack when I had witnesses, but perhaps this would teach the other children a lesson. The light started to burn, and I ran toward it. One moment it was worlds away, and the next I got to a hole in the fabric of reality. A hole just big enough for me to get a claw through. I growled and raked my paw down from the hole.

A tearing sound filled the air, and Betty screamed.

I ripped through the opening and found a bedroom piled with toys and games. More entertainment than most people saw in a lifetime. Betty, a red-headed girl of about ten, and Conner, a blond boy of about twelve, stood in shock. Betty covered her mouth with her hands to stifle another scream, and Conner’s eyes practically bugged out of his head.

They knew what I was. I didn’t waste time. They’d interrupted my post-killing nap with their idiotic shenanigans, and Conner would now feel my wrath.

He stumbled toward the door, but I locked it with a thought. My realm bled out into the room, keeping any sound from getting out.

Betty backed up until her rump hit a wall, then she slid down to a sitting position.

I looked at her with my glowing yellow eyes for a brief moment. A moment I knew she would never forget. Then I turned to Conner.

He yelled and screamed as I slowly stalked toward him. He lost control of his bowels, then curled into a ball and cried like a baby.

I licked my lips. The really naughty ones always tasted the best.

***

I didn’t even need dice for this little gem.

Not sure that’s good, by the way.


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