Welcome to this week’s Spooky Flash Fiction!
Three more weeks of haunting fun to come!
What if Krampus was in Charge of Halloween?
This Week’s Flash Fiction Friday is brought to you by:
A Jug of Apple Cider
Razor Blades in Snicker’s Bars
Tooth Fairy: Welcome to this week’s episode of Holiday Swap.
Jack Frost: Because we’re in October, we’re swapping Jack Skellington out of his role as the Pumpkin King, and letting three other holiday mascots vie for the mascot of Halloween.
Tooth Fairy: And boy do we have a diverse set of challengers. First we have Cupid. Master of love and keeper of Valentine’s Day. Second, we have Uncle Sam. The ultimate patriot and the one and only man of the Fourth of July. Third, we have Krampus. He likes to call himself the anti-Santa Clause.
Jack Frost: What a lineup. This ought to be interesting. Let’s get right to it, shall we?
Tooth Fairy: We should.
Jack Frost: As you all know, we ask the challengers a set of questions about how they would run the holiday if they win. In this case, all three are going to tell us what they would do if they gained control of Halloween.
Tooth Fairy: First question, what do you bring to the table for Halloween? Cupid, why don’t we start with you?
Cupid: I bring light and love to Halloween. Understanding. Reaching out to others. I have experience in this area, and I think Halloween could use some of my expertise.
Jack Frost: Interesting. Uncle Sam?
Uncle Sam: I bring a fighting spirit to the table. Some people might want to skip Halloween, or go light on it. Not on my watch! I can get people riled up and more excited than they have been about the holiday in years! Hoo-rah!
Jack Frost: I can see you’ve thought about this. Krampus, what about you?
Krampus: Halloween is dark holiday. I like dark holiday. I bring myself. Dark mascot. I live for this.
Tooth Fairy: Uh, is that it?’
Jack Frost: Next question. What is the biggest change you would make? Cupid?
Cupid: Well, as you know, my own holiday is about bringing people together. Bonding. Traditionally Halloween pits adults against children. I’d banish that, and have people roam the streets and give candy to everyone. Gatherings around the apple cider jug. Young and old.
Tooth Fairy: I see. Uncle Sam?
Uncle Sam: Let’s face it folks, Halloween is an American holiday. Capitalism at it’s best—besides Christmas of course. I’d give tax breaks for those who participate. Double candy for anyone wearing a patriotic costume. Incorporate more red, white, and blue. Who’s with me?
Jack Frost: Uh-huh. Krampus?
Krampus: Halloween is fake. Scary costumes, but no actual scary things. Entitled children who demand candy and give nothing in return. Adults forced to give treats instead of tricks. I would change this. Real ghosts. Adults who can trick instead of treat. Razor blades in the Snickers bars. Make consequences. Consequences get results.
Tooth Fairy: We’re going for consequences?
Krampus: You want change, yes?
Jack Frost: I’m not sure that’s what this is all abo—
Krampus: It is. I win.
Tooth Fairy: This is judged by us, you can’t declare yourself a winner.
Krampus: I have.
Cupid: Krampus, don’t be ridiculous.
Krampus: You ridiculous. I’m quite sane.
Uncle Sam: Sounds like you’re looking for a fight.
Krampus: Not from you, funny little man.
Uncle Sam: What did you call me?
Cupid: Now, now, can’t we get along?
Uncle Sam: Out of the way, scantily clad, round man.
Tooth Fairy: Uh-oh, this is getting out of control.
Cupid: We need more love, less fighting.
Uncle Sam: You need more clothes on.
Krampus: You need to get rid of those stripped pants. You look like tall candy.
Uncle Sam: That’s it! I’ll knock you to the other side of New Year’s. You’ll sail right past your holiday, you devil.
Krampus: Try it, skinny.
Jack Frost: Security!
Tooth Fairy: Wait, Cupid. Put the bow down!
Uncle Sam: Why you little…
Krampus: You die, loincloth man!
Jack Frost: Uh-oh.
Tooth Fairy: Well, this is an interesting development.
Krampus: You look nice in stripped pants.
Uncle Sam: Your horns make you look bad-A
Krampus: You really like them?
Uncle Sam: Do you really like my pants?
Tooth Fairy: Oh boy.
Jack Frost: We have a problem.
Cupid: They’re not fighting.
Tooth Fairy: Nope, they’re making eyes at one another.
Jack Frost: This is going to go downhill fast.
Tooth Fairy: Sorry, folks, looks like we get to cut to commercial before these two do something we can’t share on national television.
Jack Frost: We’ll let you know how it goes.