31-Aug-2018
As Michael from The Good Place states:
“Diamonds are just carbon molecules lined up in the most boring way.”
I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, but I didn’t take my gaze off of the Inspector. It towered over me by almost a meter, and it’s six appendages could easily combine to rip me limb from limb.
I knew because I’d seen it happen. The urge to look to my right—where I knew that the cleaning bots had neglected to scour a piece of brain matter from the last human who had come in here—forced me to shift my weight again and stare harder at the Inspector.
This time the Inspector would take my offering. I’d procured the largest one in existence, and I was certain that the Inspector could sell it for a pretty coin.
A humph came from the Inspector, and he lowered his top appendage along with the clear, perfectly cut diamond in his claws. A noise resembling a dying yerka came from its mouth. I knew just enough of the Inspector’s language to grind my teeth.
A moment later, the translator kicked in, the metallic voice emotionless. “It is worthless.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “Check again, I assure you, it is quite valuable.”
The Inspector gazed down at me with its faceted eyes. I saw myself a thousand times. “It is worthless.”
Annoyance bubbled up inside of me, and I threw caution to the air filters. “I’ve watched every old Earther vid that I could find, and they all say that this is one of their most valuable substances.”
Another humph noise, then the spine grating speech, then the translator. “Earthers are all slaves.” It leaned forward. “Or thieves, like you.”
I took a step back, suddenly reminded that this Inspector was the only one who would even deal with humans. I bowed my head. “There are many who are interested in Earther antiquities. This piece would be a valuable addition to any collection.”
The Inspector studied me. Or at least I thought it was studying me. It was hard to tell when the eyes didn’t have a pupil, and the little mandibles near its mouth flickered back and forth, tasting the air.
A small farting sound proceeded a scent that made my eyes water. I held my breath for as long as possible before letting it out slowly. The Inspectors said that they used the smell to unmask lies. I was pretty sure that they did it just to make every other being in existence uncomfortable. A few species would vomit, to one it was deadly.
I’d spent enough time with this Inspector that I knew when to wait. I kept my eyes up—resisting the urge to blink—and my shoulders back. Supposedly making yourself look bigger helped. Pretty sure that making my skinny frame look bigger without some sort of alien implants was mostly impossible, but this was my last shot, and I desperately needed the money to get off of this station.
The Inspector turned its focus from me back to the diamond.
It had taken me months to get a hold of it. Some Earther had given it to the leader of the Genra as a gift back in the early days after Earth’s obliteration. The Genra had given it to a servant, who had been using it on a mobile for their children. I’d managed to trade it out for a fake. Hopefully no one would notice until I was well away from here.
“This rock is simply carbon.”
“All precious things are made up of basic materials,” I said.
The Inspector clicked its mandibles a few times. “Wise words from such a young one.”
I held my ground.
“It might be worth a few coin.”
“A few?”
“Yes.”
This is where things got dangerous, but I needed the money. I stretched my neck and puffed out my shoulders again. “It’s worth at least twenty thousand.”
Silence.
I waited.
The Inspector stared at me, unmoving.
Perhaps I’d gone too far, but it was too late to go back now. The one unbreakable rule when working with Inspectors was that you never backed down after the first figure had been thrown out. Negotiation was fine, but you stood by that figure until they talked you down.
Or ran one of their clawed limbs through your stomach and then ripped you apart with the other five.
Well, I could either die here, or in some other terrible way in a few weeks. So I stayed where I was.
After a few seconds the Inspector let out what I could only describe as a squee. Its middle section contracted, and a second squee joined the first.
I braced for the worst.
A third squee.
Was the Inspector laughing at me?
“Inspector, I—”
It interrupted me. “My dear little human, this piece of rock isn’t worth five hundred.” It threw the most valuable diamond ever to be mined from the surface of the Earth and tossed it into the corner with a pile of what looked like garbage. “My children can use it to cut their teeth on.”
I opened my mouth to protest.
The Inspector held up a limb. “Now go and find me something valuable.”
I closed my mouth. I wasn’t dead. That was good, right?
My eyes flickered to the corner, then back to the Inspector. I bowed.
It waved an appendage.
I waited to curse until I got back into the hallway.
1 Comment
Toni Mann
August 31, 2018at 8:31 pmTense moment in visionary detail. I felt I lived it. Thank you! Good little vacation for my mind on a Friday! Keep it comin. 🙂